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I' going to die...
Love Confession
I' going to die... : by More by Anonymous User
submitted Saturday Mar 14th, 2009
Love
Hey, I am 17 and I have a huuuuge problem. I would die for one guy and he doesn't even know about me. I adore him so fu*king much, you can't even imagine. I would do anything for him, literally. I have never even kissed before, because I don't want to be with anybody else, EVER. I want only him. But I can't be with him :( My obsession is way too unhealthy and I am suicidal. There are no words great enough to explain my love for him, for every single piece of his mind, personallity, body, face, soul... Simply EVERYTHING, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I can't even explain how more then perfect he is. I adore every single thing about him. If somebody tells me that I will at least touch him and then die right afterwards, I'd gladly accept it. I can't live with my obsession anymore, it's killing me. I've had it for 3 years and it will NEVER fade away. I won't be with anybody else, because I don't want to be with anybody else, I want to be ONLY with my love. And I can't be with him. I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed. My whole life is ruined, because I can't concentrate on anything, I can't study, I can't do anything, all I do is crying. Nobody around me knows that I am in love (only one of my best friends and I told her recently, but I can't open up and talk about my feelings with her. I am not ashamed of those feelings, I just feel weird talking about it). I am trying to seem OK and laugh when I'm surrounded by people, because I've always been positive, smiling person and if I let them know how I really feel, they will see that there's something wrong with me, but I don't feel like talking about it with people around me, that's why I am writing here.
But when I get alone, I can't stop crying. I need him so much. I keep imagining him being near me, standing next to me. Oh, to be near him, to talk to him, hold his hand, to kiss those beautiful lips, to stare at him, to feel loved by him, to hug him, to be his, at least for a second... I would do anything, I would give my life. I am serious when I say that. This is not a childish crush, I adore him way too much and I always will. Yes, I have gone crazy, but please don't make fun of me, because this is really hard for me, I am suffering so much. I've gone crazy, I daydream about him all the time, imagine my conversations with him, plan our wedding and our children's names... But don't get me wrong, I am realistic, I know that NOTHING of that will happen. I just love daydreaming. But coming back to reality hurts as hell. This is not ONLY a desire or only a wish, I NEED him. I need him so fucking much, that it's impossible to explain. Only him. I don't want anybody else. WHY is life so cruel, why can't I have him?
My friends are actually worried about me, they think that I've never fallen in love, because they don't know that I'm in love with this guy. They freak out because I keep turning all the guys down- that makes my female friends go crazy because they are CRAZY about those guys, who are considered as the most popular guys of our generation (and few generations older). But I keep turning them down because I don't want to be with them. I even refuse to meet with them at the parties- when, for example, some friend of mine says that her friend is interested in me and wants to meet me, I simply refuse. Or when guys come up to me and start flirting, I immediately tell them that I am not interested. I don't care if my friends consider those guys hot, to me only hot guy in the Universe, EVER, is the one I'm in love with. He's the hottest thing EVER. But even if he wasn't, I'd still be as much in love with him as I am now, because there are no words good enough to explain how much I adore him in EVERY SINGLE way and EVERY SINGLE THING about him. It's impossible to describe how amazing he is and how much I adore him and how obsessed I am.
As I've already said, I am really suicidal, because my whole world revolves around him and I can't be with him. My heart is so broken and I even almost tried to commit a suicide once (I have one thing that stopped me, but I'd rather not talk about it), but the thought of doing that doesn't leave me alone. And I would like to let you know that this is very weird, because I've never considered myself as a weak person, nor did people who know me. I've always been way more mature then my generation. And by term mature, I don't mean cold or boring, I mean mature in the real meaning of that word.
And I have never actually been emotional. Sure, I have feelings, but even when I get really sad, it used to be so hard to make me cry. And it still is, except when it comes to him. I cry over him all the time. Everybody who knows me actually think that I don't have the ability to fall in love, because I've never been interested in guys (and girls neither), so everybody would be shocked if they found out that I've been truely, madly, deeply, profoundly, undescribably, crazy, obsessivly in love with this guy. He's my everything. If somebody told me that I have to give my life for him, I would IMMEDIATELY ACCEPT idoing it, without thinking twice. I just want him to be happy. His happiness is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more important to me then mine. If we had the opportinity to be together and if he refused it, OF COURSE that I would be sooooo sad, BUT at the same time, I would NEVER blame him, because I would never force him to do anything that he doesn't want or anything that would make him unhappy. THE MAIN THING for me is his happiness. I keep praying for him to be the happiest person ever, forever. My love for him is unconditional and eternal, it's the biggest love ever. But it's killing me, too. Since I can't be with him, I don't want to live at all. Life isn't worth living without him by my side.
And please, don't make fun of me, because this is not something to make fun of, this is a serious problem, and eternal obsession and love that has ruined my whole life and broken my heart. I just had to get this off my chest, even though the sadness will be in me forever.
And please have in mind that my native language is nowhere near English, so forget me if there are any grammar mistakes in this post, because I am way too depressed to check.
Comments on I' going to die...
: I know where you are coming from..but why cant you have him? have you expressed your feelings to him at all? I fell in love like you, I was young and scared..he showed interest. we kissed..even had sex once and were good friends. I know he cared for me too but I was to scared of losing him, of that hurt, that I chased him away by just not letting him get close. I built a wall. I never told him how I felt, but I ached inside every time I saw him with another girl. I cried when I was alone. I made him think I did not care, that what we had was just a one night thing. I eventually got married, am still married. but, he is always in my thoughts I have so much regret over what I did. To be honest I sometimes wonder if I really love my husband. Now, I have no idea where he even is..so my advice to you is to tell him how you feel somehow..even if its anonymous, you will definately regret it later if you dont. I also think you should consider talking to a counselor or someone about your suicidal thoughts..I have been there..theres meds that do help. You are so young, dont give up on yourself..because untill you can love yourself you can never truly love someone else. by Anonymous Commentor on Thursday Apr 23rd, 2009
: Sorry for the laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate answer, I couldn\'t open this site for months!
I would give my life to even touch him. I DO love him truely, I adore him at the highest level ever. I will always adore him. I am suicidal and the only reason I\'m living is to see him again and again and again... At least to see him, even if I don\'t touch him. That keeps me alive. by Anonymous Commentor on Sunday Sep 20th, 2009
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